Refusing to Play The Fool

Lately I've found it gets harder to slip into that dismal place. I find it strange. It used to be so easy to just accept what I said to myself about not being good enough and eventually ending up all alone. Which was fine. It still is where I believe I will end up, but there is my new family and they just will not let me accept lesser of myself.

I know it's weird to say because I've had family and friends all my life, but it's completely different. I've just realized today that I have no idea how to deal with myself. I have a different family now. I have friends that accept me for who I am completely and don't leave me out of anything. I really never had such a support before. Growing up with verbally abusive parents, as well as abandonment issues because of an absent father for half of your life, there is a tendency to doubt self-worth. But, yet again, there's these people. I have no idea what to think of myself anymore.

They tell me they love me on a daily basis. They care. They find me funny. My "team" doesn't let me doubt myself. My friends at school completely accept me and actually enjoy my company, and honestly...I'm boggled. I do not understand why. They instill confidence in me. For the first time in a while I've thought of being able to--I don't know--be completely myself.

I decided a while ago that I could care less what other people thought and eventually shut out everything. It was like playing a role, never the true self, only what people wanted. What they expected, because I could not share with anyone what was truly bothering me, so I pretended throught the last two years of high school. The details of why are stupid, I realize that now.

Now, hatred bears less, towards myself as well as the world. Because these people, they keep their promises. They genuinely care. The dark secrets that whispered in my head to keep protected from hope seem to lessen. The linger no longer. I do not want to let them go, though. This whole, new thing worries me. Hurt should never find its way in again. How does the old saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

I Give Up

I will never not be alone. I will never be within the norm. I will never change my habits. I will never stop pitying myself. I will never stop feeling. I will never try again. There is no more "one more chance". This is it. In grief for oneself it is easy to realize that giving up is so much harder than trying. Attempt takes bravery, forfeit requires failure.

The acceptance of the failure is what takes courage. There is more valor in loss than there ever could be in triumph. I officially announce my acceptance of failure, my faults, my utter incapability to find what truly makes me happy. The gallantry of defeat is something I will take pride in, realizing that so many are weaker than I because they give into the desire to try again. I stand tall in my decision and will no longer waver.

The pride is one thing to endure, the agony of repeated failure is another.

Different

I don't know why I feel the need to keep coming back to this. Maybe I find it comforting to know it's here? I should probably just delete it, but I suppose it's healthy in its own way. A cathartic method of removing thoughts that never seem to want to escape from this jumbled head of mine. A continuous cycle of anxiety, temporarily postponed because I can spill out all of it onto a keyboard and make it appear in this little e-journal. Some people type blogs to be noticed and I've realized that I am the exact opposite. As in every aspect of my life, I'm different.

It's such a terrible thing to be, isn't it? Different. Throws someone into complete alienation if exerted too forcefully upon "normal" people. My whole life I've been the oddball. Not a shock, really. Sad that I didn't notice before. As I got older I followed social structure better, but really, there's always been that varied rhythm of a drum that beats specifically for me that I can't seem to get out of my head and it confuses the rest of the masses when I follow it.

Now I feel the need to march once again, only instead of the beaten path, I find myself at a fork in my journey. One way is dark and scary, full of uncertainty--as do all trips into the future--with small specks of light filtering through from far away that could mean a happy, full existence one day. The other has a suburban feel. There are houses, each immaculately like the last, and people who always smile, all the time. It's fake. It's not happiness, but a facade of life.

I'm not sure I can keep walking down that path anymore. I feel the need to weather the danger and be brave, but I stumble over my own feet as I start to make my way toward the overgrowth and darkness and stall myself yet another day. All the while standing upon the precipice of the entrance into the strange, seemingly perfect existence of serene neighbors and absolutely no chaos or "difference" and suddenly I realize that I would always rather be different than live a lie.

Now if I could only push myself down that dark scary road...and towards the life that will help me be who I want to be some day. Freedom comes with bravery. If I could only find the courage to speak...

My Conclusion

Loneliness creeps up on a person, doesn't it? I guess I already knew this, but today walking back from class I realized it completely. It's like this dark shadow that takes over unsuspecting victims, slowly creeping up their body and taking hold to their heart until there's nothing left but a small kind of despair.

I came to  the conclusion today, during that same walk, that I am not going to live past the age of 25. It simply doesn't make any sense for me to. I don't contribute. I don't help change and most certainly don't do anything worthwhile. Someone else should've had my life, because I'm sure they would have done so much better with it. Maybe actually done something. I'm going to school with the certainty that I want to write, but how will I ever be good enough? I'm not smart and I hate following guidelines, so how can I do anything. I'm graduating in a field that is dying out, but I am most certain I want to join. Am I? Everyone seems so sure of themselves and I...I'm not. Not even close. The things I want in my life will never happen and I'm doomed to the life of...well...loneliness I suppose. Soon, I'll graduate, drift away from friends. The family I'll either abandon or will be disowned from because of who I am.

I've always thought of love as a sacrifice, unrelenting. Which is probably why I am forever alone. Finding someone who will put themselves in the line of fire because they feel that your life is more important than theirs, even if they aren't there to see it. I'll always be the person to take the bullet and the sad thing is I'll be waiting the rest of my life to find someone who would be willing to do that for me. The worst is finding out that there is no one like that and that my sacrifice would be in vain because the grief would never be wasted on me.

5:47 am

I think the worst and best part of not being able to sleep is the loss of connection. In one way it's good. No parental telling you how to live your life. No friends attempting gossip or causing drama. It's just you.

But see, that's the problem as well, isn't it? Alone. If there is someone to reach out to, in my experience they never feel the same about talking. In my life, I've never been the one people would choose to talk to over any other. I find this sad and at the same time not, because it shouldn't be. It's not really. It just is what is. And although that horrible hollow feeling the hits your chest and makes it feel as though there's a hole beneath your rib cage is still there, it decreases in pain and size every time you think rationally enough to let it sink in that it's truth and it's unavoidable.

I'm writing this because it is one of those nights. No sleep and although there is someone to reach out to, she'd rather have someone else's attention. I should sincerely stop caring, but someone always manages to break through and convince me that I am worthy and that life is deserving of another try in certain aspects. I give up and then I falter, listening and clinging to someone's muddled hope for a future that is fictional for me. So I suppose that's what I'll do, just as I had conceded to before. I will be fine. Self-sufficient. Intelligent and completely independent, because I need no one. And no one needs me.

Alright, So Now The Crazy...

Yeah, I can be sometimes...haha

It's not my intended feeling, but sometimes I get a little nuts. I'm sure everyone has insecurities I just like to write about them. It makes me feel better to get the crazy off my chest. It's good to know that no one reads this :)

Helps me sleep at night, if you will. I am currently having a sleep pattern problem, actually. You see, it's the second week in August and I have to go back to school pretty soon. I will have a roommate and I don't think she'd like it if I was staying up until 4 am reading or writing or whatever my manic brain decides to do at this time. Therefore, I need to work on this.

It helps that I've been exercising lately. Get in time to wear myself down so even though my brain doesn't shut off when I want it to, at least I can wear my body down enough to make it. Plus, on my campus there is a monstrosity of a hill that I have to climb to get to my dorm from classes. I need to be in shape to do that all year again. Phew!

Well until another confession of odd and sometimes mad thoughts, I'm gonna head out and go for a walk. Or maybe do the dishes. I have yet to decide.

Alone

I always get so damn upset! I should understand by now it's the way it's ALWAYS going to be! I'm gonna be the last one there that no one was really paying attention to in the first place. It's the order of things.

I'm not interesting enough to be noticed for very long. Not witty or funny enough to be acknowledged. I've learned to be quieter over the years and just let go of wanting to be the person who's paid attention to for more than five minutes.

For some reason though, I always have to open my mouth and get to know people. My mind should just have a constant alarm, "They don't want you to talk! Why the fuck do they care what you think? You mumble and say stupid shit that no one wants to hear." I try, I really do to shut off the jaw. Maybe I should have it broken. It would probably help me imensely. I just need to learn to stop trying to be included in things. obviously no one wants me there.