Loneliness creeps up on a person, doesn't it? I guess I already knew this, but today walking back from class I realized it completely. It's like this dark shadow that takes over unsuspecting victims, slowly creeping up their body and taking hold to their heart until there's nothing left but a small kind of despair.
I came to the conclusion today, during that same walk, that I am not going to live past the age of 25. It simply doesn't make any sense for me to. I don't contribute. I don't help change and most certainly don't do anything worthwhile. Someone else should've had my life, because I'm sure they would have done so much better with it. Maybe actually done something. I'm going to school with the certainty that I want to write, but how will I ever be good enough? I'm not smart and I hate following guidelines, so how can I do anything. I'm graduating in a field that is dying out, but I am most certain I want to join. Am I? Everyone seems so sure of themselves and I...I'm not. Not even close. The things I want in my life will never happen and I'm doomed to the life of...well...loneliness I suppose. Soon, I'll graduate, drift away from friends. The family I'll either abandon or will be disowned from because of who I am.
I've always thought of love as a sacrifice, unrelenting. Which is probably why I am forever alone. Finding someone who will put themselves in the line of fire because they feel that your life is more important than theirs, even if they aren't there to see it. I'll always be the person to take the bullet and the sad thing is I'll be waiting the rest of my life to find someone who would be willing to do that for me. The worst is finding out that there is no one like that and that my sacrifice would be in vain because the grief would never be wasted on me.