Friday, November 27, 2009

Refusing to Play The Fool

Lately I've found it gets harder to slip into that dismal place. I find it strange. It used to be so easy to just accept what I said to myself about not being good enough and eventually ending up all alone. Which was fine. It still is where I believe I will end up, but there is my new family and they just will not let me accept lesser of myself.

I know it's weird to say because I've had family and friends all my life, but it's completely different. I've just realized today that I have no idea how to deal with myself. I have a different family now. I have friends that accept me for who I am completely and don't leave me out of anything. I really never had such a support before. Growing up with verbally abusive parents, as well as abandonment issues because of an absent father for half of your life, there is a tendency to doubt self-worth. But, yet again, there's these people. I have no idea what to think of myself anymore.

They tell me they love me on a daily basis. They care. They find me funny. My "team" doesn't let me doubt myself. My friends at school completely accept me and actually enjoy my company, and honestly...I'm boggled. I do not understand why. They instill confidence in me. For the first time in a while I've thought of being able to--I don't know--be completely myself.

I decided a while ago that I could care less what other people thought and eventually shut out everything. It was like playing a role, never the true self, only what people wanted. What they expected, because I could not share with anyone what was truly bothering me, so I pretended throught the last two years of high school. The details of why are stupid, I realize that now.

Now, hatred bears less, towards myself as well as the world. Because these people, they keep their promises. They genuinely care. The dark secrets that whispered in my head to keep protected from hope seem to lessen. The linger no longer. I do not want to let them go, though. This whole, new thing worries me. Hurt should never find its way in again. How does the old saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."