Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Friend or Foe?

Tonight, I’ve realized the lack of respect someone has had toward me. For months. I had already known this, of course, but yet now I know that it can never be gained. I cannot prove myself in the eyes of someone who doesn’t see people, but only things. Shallow and insecure, the girl lashes out at anyone she can find fault in. She refuses to change, and quite frankly, now that I know her actions against me, I am no longer able to let slide the small pieces that piss me off every time she speaks. Vanity is doomed to those too insecure to have confidence in themselves, and although she puts on a good show, this is how she lives. Full of doubt and self-loathing; constantly cutting others down to improve her self image. And though I thought her to be a true friend some day, I fear that the disrespect she has shown me as well as some of my close friends hinder that process. Perhaps even make it impossible. I am not placing blame on her entirely. I am not perfect, either. But it’s also her lack of self-acceptance of these attributes that makes the situation so infuriating. Refusing to let go and accept the mutations and quirks that everyone has makes you someone who is socially unacceptable. At least, around me that is. I cannot stand those who cannot falter. Even then, the plastic-wrapped humility she supplies makes me want to scream, rip her throat out and throw her lies onto the floor in front of her. Maybe then she would see; she would see that very little that spews forth from her mouth is fact. The fiction could fill a novel’s worth of time and still leave pages for an epilogue. I cannot take it and I am saddened that this may not be resolved. I value friendship and the idea that I may not want the empty, shell-like pretense that it was to continue, makes it even worse. I feel like the bad one, even though I have very little to apologize for. No longer can I just stand idly by and let these things continually happen. I hate gossip; I left high school hoping that I would never have to deal with backstabbing and drama again, but it seems dreams do not come true. Very little is able to surprise me anymore. No more. It has to change; I just wish I knew how it all turns out.