Saturday, August 29, 2009

5:47 am

I think the worst and best part of not being able to sleep is the loss of connection. In one way it's good. No parental telling you how to live your life. No friends attempting gossip or causing drama. It's just you.

But see, that's the problem as well, isn't it? Alone. If there is someone to reach out to, in my experience they never feel the same about talking. In my life, I've never been the one people would choose to talk to over any other. I find this sad and at the same time not, because it shouldn't be. It's not really. It just is what is. And although that horrible hollow feeling the hits your chest and makes it feel as though there's a hole beneath your rib cage is still there, it decreases in pain and size every time you think rationally enough to let it sink in that it's truth and it's unavoidable.

I'm writing this because it is one of those nights. No sleep and although there is someone to reach out to, she'd rather have someone else's attention. I should sincerely stop caring, but someone always manages to break through and convince me that I am worthy and that life is deserving of another try in certain aspects. I give up and then I falter, listening and clinging to someone's muddled hope for a future that is fictional for me. So I suppose that's what I'll do, just as I had conceded to before. I will be fine. Self-sufficient. Intelligent and completely independent, because I need no one. And no one needs me.

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